Waltz In Exile


Fissiparous
7 September 2008, 1:27 pm
Filed under: Goats, Graduate School, Working Mom | Tags: , ,

There’s a fantastic philosophy about non-profit blogging that states that you can’t let blogging about your life get in the way of living your life. And I’d like to say that that is exactly why I haven’t posted in so long. I’d love to say that, actually, because it might make me seem way more together than I am. However, that would be a big fat lie. I haven’t been too busy living my life to blog; I’ve been too busy having life kick my ass. I get up in the morning and I’m already behind.  I spend the day frantically crossing things off of my to-do list but I’m getting nowhere. It’s almost like my signature on those grad school loans enacted some curse (Codex Infinitum?) and every time I draw a line through an item, the list adds more stuff all by itself.

So it’s crazy here, which shouldn’t surprise those of you who know me “in real life.” Crazy is pretty much the status quo chez Waltz.  You might say I’m wearing too many hats. Well, you might not say that. I hate that saying, myself. As if I need to worry about accessorizing on top of everything else I’m doing over here. Although if I did have a bunch of hats, I could cut down on all the hair maintenance that my fabulous new ‘do requires…. That would be nice. Maybe what I need, then, is MORE hats. Are more hats? Are more hats. Anyone out there with an extra hat you want to send to me? You know, after you get done filing the paperwork to have me committed because I’m so fractured and schizo that I can’t even finish a paragraph without taking so many tangents that it’s impossible to follow…? It could be worse, though. I could still be on my Olympic Find-“F”-Replace-With-“PH” kick that you all enjoyed so much. And by “you all” I mean anyone who’s still reading this post, even. (Hi, Dad.)

To sum up, then – I’m a nutjob with so much to do that I feel like I’m made of a thousand pieces and barely holding it together. Who is now stating the obvious. But I have been thinking about blogging, and about you, dear readers (all eleven of you) and making a list (another one!) called “Bloggable?” This morning, I realized that there’s really no better way to show you just how many tiny tiny pieces comprise the new Master’s Candidate Me Who Doesn’t Have Time To Post than to give you a glimpse (edited for length, and also to cull the more embarrassing thoughts):

  1. Goat #2 has been going through a phase for the past month that is making me crazy. No matter how carefully we word a reprimand to address misbehaviors, her immediate response is to say “You don’t love me anymore?” And no matter how many times I say “I love you always, but biting/hitting/kicking/throwing things at your brother’s head/getting out of bed 14,000 times is not acceptable” she just cries and says again “You don’t love me anymore?” And then I question if she is just a master manipulator (which makes me feel like a cynical and horrible mom) or if I am failing so badly to cherish my daughter that she genuinely perceives my displeasure at the biting/hitting/kicking/throwing/getting up as “Mama doesn’t love me” (which makes me feel like a wretched and horrible mom.) Words of encouragement more than welcome here, folks (aka “Dad”). You know, after you get off the phone with Child Protective Services. At some point, this item will be its own post. But when I explore this idea, it gets very tangled up in a lot of what I call “Mom stuff” and so far, I’ve only been brave enough to open up that box on the blog one time, and I’m still a little raw from it. So this one needs to wait a while.
  2. I admit I watched Sarah Palin’s acceptance speech last week. And that’s all I’m saying about that, because I can think of at least 4 readers who have different ideologies from mine, and seeing how I can’t even disagree with my daughter’s behavior without alienating her, I’m not about to pretend I’m a master polemicist when it comes to political discourse. Actually, I will say one more thing. Regardless of anyone’s views, I am more than willing to be civil and listen with an open mind (yes, even if I think you are wrong, wrong, wrong). The thing is, only one candidate is going to win in November. But just because I may have a different worldview from the winner doesn’t mean that I have to give up that worldview. It may mean compromise and negotiation, instead. And knowing that I may need to compromise and negotiate means I need to listen to and learn from people with different views in the meantime. I think this one will be a post after the election results are in.
  3. My grocery list seems to have been Codex Infinitumed (Infinited?), too. Doesn’t matter how carefully I list the necessary items, when I get home, there will be something that we need that I did not get because it was not on my list. This one doesn’t deserve to be a post of its own. Unless I uncover a conspiracy to be causing it. And I could.
  4. Private school agrees with Goat #1. A lot. Private school is a veritable Yes Man to Goat #1. We’re not having quite the same experience with Goat #2, though. I can’t articulate the problem(s) yet, because I’m still stuck in my emotional “Miss ___ is a bitch on wheels who shouldn’t be in charge of three year olds” response. So until I have something constructive and rational to say, this one won’t be a post. But I wanted to share my misery with you, in case anyone had some advice to give. Also, if you’re capable of giving advice to such a vague, unspecific situation, you should be my new shrink.
  5. Today’s Candorville cracked me up. Also, it made me wonder if one of Bejewell’s new freelance gigs is guest-writing the strip. Because her brain works that way. If I tried to turn this into a post, it would get caught up in #2 above, or, barring that, just end up being a love letter to bejewell. On indefinite hold, then.
  6. Entourage premieres its new season tonight on HBO. I have been waiting all summer for this. I love those misogynistic, solipsistic boys. I would so hang out with them if I could. Or if they were, you know, real people. This one can’t be a post, because MommyPie beat me to it.
  7. Oh. My. God. Goat Daddy just poked his head into the office to ask me if I knew where his hat was. I couldn’t have made up a better ending to this post myself.
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13 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I love your randomness.
Thank you for the amusing read…even if I didn’t follow half of it.

That’s GOT to be the nicest thing anyone’s said to me all day. Of course, Goat #2 did just say “Oh, it’s the sandwich of all awesome day!” which might have been a compliment. Or proof that this random thing I have going is just genetic.

Comment by Shannon

Hi. I am a long time reader. I wanted to say that I like your blog and the layout.

Peter Quinn

Well, thanks, Pete! I’m sorry I didn’t know you’d been reading me for a long time; I guess I should make that TWELVE readers, then?

Comment by Peter Quinn

The Entourage Boys, huh? I’ve watched a few times, and they ARE pretty funny. Judging from everyone’s responses, there are quite a few shows I should be watching!

It’s sort of odd how many unlikeable characters populate my favorite shows… I don’t want to examine it too closely or it might become obvious how much self-loathing I harbor, LOL

Comment by mommypie

I’ve never seen an episode of Entourage, but I read every article I come across about it, I love Jeremy Piven, and I, alas, enjoy cursing when cursing is appropriate, so I kind of think I’d dig this show a lot. I wish we had HBO, or I had hours to sit and watch the seasons if someone I knew had them to loan them to me!

And to chime in on your first point, I doubt you’re a bad mom, dear. Kids know how to manipulate us from the first glimmer of our defenses crumbling. If she sees your gears spinning when she says that to you, she’s reeling you in. Not trying to ‘solve matters I know nothing about’ in your house, but I’ve got a kid who can do this to me, too, and I had to step back and not let him have the option to pull in his prize! I wish you luck!

You should see if your local video store has Entourage on DVD (and trust me, it gets way better after Season 1 [not that Season 1 is terrible, just not as smooth as the rest.]) And as for you solving matters at my house, it sounds like you know PLENTY about it to me! She probably is just yanking my chain, but someone needs to get that kid an agent, because she. is. GOOD.

Comment by foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

“Fissilingual” means “having a forked tongue,” so I find it interesting that “fissiparous” means what it does.

I win for most unrelated comment ever.

Actually, .5% of my comments are unrelated. Sorry.

Comment by Cynical Nymph

Amen to #2. I am so tired of vitriol. If all you have to offer is nastiness to the other side, folks, then you are no better than they are. And you will get nowhere. I’ve been debating a wee short post on this. I think I’ll do it.

The other philosophy of nonprofit blogging is to fell no guilt for not posting. Because this is a hobby. Do you apologize to a garden that you neglect or crafts you don’t do? I sincerely hope not, or else you are, indeed, psychotic.

This comment feels very serious. Why so serious, Alias Mother?

BOOGERS! There. Better.

Am very possibly, indeed, psychotic. However, Goat Daddy is the one who gardens. And therefore, *he* apologizes to the garden that Goat Mama is not remotely interested in it. Then again, it’s less hobby and more obsession with him. ANYway – thanks for the guilt-assuaging seriousness. And the mucus-y comic relief.

Comment by aliasmother

I didn’t say I won for “first” unrelated comment ever. I said I won for “most” unrelated comment ever. Now you force me to prove myself:

“Macarize” means “to make happy; to praise.” So I really don’t see why they called it “The Macarena.” Doesn’t that seem a little misleading?

You know how you just had your first anniversary…? Well, I’m coming up on my 12th next month, which means (if you do the math) that I got married right at the peak of the blessedly short-lived “Macarena Craze.” And I had a DJ who was determined to play some sort of group dance thing, and I totally nixed the Hokey Pokey and the Electric Slide [I believe I threatened him with ‘the electric CHAIR’ if I heard that song] but it never occurred to me to forbid a song I’d never heard of. So there are actually PICTURES of me, in my wedding dress — hey, wait. Why am I telling you this?

Comment by Cynical Nymph

Dude, November is my 12th anniversary, too! I think. Wait – 11th? 13th? Oh hell, who remembers. We were totally drunk that day, anyway.

If it was your 12th anniversary, you’d have a Macarena story, too. Trust me. But your wedding sounds like it was a lot of fun! Did you have an after-hours, too? Cuz we did, LOL

Comment by bejewell

Okay, first of all, I hear you are quite the little sensation here in the mommie blogosphere world, congratulations!

Second, have you entered this yet?

Third, we stalk each other equally. I created this page on Tumblr for precisely the same reason you cite in the first paragraph: Blogging is time consuming. My buds on the front of the digital media world, those “early early adopters” tell me that sites like Tumblr might make it easier to make the most of the medium: pictures, links, audio, video, etc. without it being a big time suck.

Check it out, I’d love to hear what you think.

Finally, I can cross “Have my own stalker” off my life to-do list. YESSSSS!

Comment by Sam Page

Since I don’t know Goat #2 it is hard to tell if she is being a drama queen or if she is being insecure. I would think that if it was insecurity that she would display other signs of it than just questioning your love when getting lectured/in trouble and if this is the case and she is manipulating then ignoring it completely at the time might be the way to go (was with Niecey, but the buggers are not all the same).

My friend has a ritual she goes through with my 3 year old godson, after she punishes/lectures him she says that she loves him and hugs and kisses him, or something along those lines. At that age Niecey was the most sensitive kid ever, seriously she was completely inconsolable when I got her a pig cookie and she licked its face off, it could just be a phase, 3 is a weird age! Oh and you might want to watch out for some of the pbs kid shows, Niecey picked up some horrible habits from some of them because she would pay attention long enough to see the bad behavior but not long enough to see it corrected, Caillou was the WORST from what I could tell (Professor of whining). That’s all I got, at least at the moment, I hope that this behavior ends soon!

And how can you possibly be busy, you are a grad student?!?! 😉 I may not be in the same field but it sounds like you are taking quite a heavy course load. I took one 15 week course, three 5 week courses that were one at a time, and had a weekly seminar, the rest of my time/credits were in research. On top of it I just have my self to take care of (good thing the state can’t remove me from my own custody), you have a family to take care of. Hang in there, if you need to whine about grad school or anything my inbox is always open. We crazy people, er I mean grad students, have to stick together!

A lot of people say it’s being three, yes. I’m praying it’s a phase. T minus 165 days until she turns 4….

Comment by Karen

Hm….
I feel your pain about Goat 2 going through that phase, i was PRAYING that would have ended maybe whilst i was there because it’s insanity. Keep in there though, things should get better.

It IS insanity…but I AM hanging in there. Thanks for the encouragement from someone who knows this scenario personally!

Comment by Former Goat Nanny

Holy Toledo, Batman. For somebody who needs hats (but shouldn’t wear them b/c she’s showing off her new do) to help manage all of her scholarly business and child-rearing, you concocted one very entertaining post 🙂

My daughter seems to be completely immune to reprimands. I think she might even like them. I might prefer her questioning my love (I’m only half joking).

Comment by Allison

[…] that’s more like it. I wrote a post a while back (It was a month ago? An entire MONTH?) about how life was kicking my ass; the problem is, that hasn’t changed. But I’m pretty sure my life shouldn’t feel […]

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