Waltz In Exile

31 August 2009, 10:23 pm
Filed under: GIANT MOTHERF***ING BUGS, Goats, P2 | Tags: ,

Tonight when I got home with the Goats, Goat #1 was so into his DS game that he stayed in the car after Goat #2 and I came in the house.  He didn’t come in for almost 15 minutes, so I was in the kitchen still getting dinner underway when he finally came in the back door.  When he did, he was holding his right arm at a weird angle, with his DS case sort of tucked against his body with his elbow.  He said “My arm really hurts, and I don’t know why!”

I thought he must have a weird cramp from carrying his case so awkwardly.  So I took his case from him, and set it on the counter.  As soon as I had the case, he tried to straighten his arm out, and started yelping.  Silly me, I thought “That’s one awful cramp for a 40 foot walk…

And then he made the sort of noise that puts a Mama’s heart in her throat as her stomach drops to her toes.  And whipped his arm down and away from his body.  And out of his sleeve came THIS:

Holy motherf***ing SHIT, y'all

Holy motherf***ing SHIT, y'all

(Photo stolen from here)

It landed on the kitchen floor tile in front of the island (which I was safely behind) and all I could do was stare in mute horror. I could not even comfort my sobbing son, I was so freaked out about this giant bug that was obviously predatory and now IN. MY. HOUSE.



(Photo stolen from the same place. If your skin’s not crawling, you didn’t click the link.)

Thank goodness, Goat Daddy had just finished his workout and had the presence of mind to take the towel from around his neck, thwack it on the ginormous buzzing creature from hell, and get it out the back door. Thank goodness, too, that Goat #1 had the presence of mind to ask me for some ice to put on his belly and arm where the monster had TRIED TO EAT HIM, because my brain was so frozen I couldn’t think what to do next.

All of this is to say: I’m probably not the girl you want on your side for the killer bee invasion. Probably not the zombie apocalypse, either.  Apparently I have the emergency skillz of Michael Brown.


15 Comments so far
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We caved a couple weeks ago and got my oldest son a DS for his birthday, so as I was reading this, I was prepping myself for the impact his new love affair was going to have on him, but now I’m going to send this comment and then scurry through the house and close all the windows to stave off the possibility of those nasty things. I’d have reacted the very same way as you did. The trouble is, Tool Man is gone so much, the boys and I would have had to leave and get a hotel room for the night, then maybe put our house up for sale!


Comment by foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)

Okay, no lie: I had mentally moved out of the house for a week for the exterminators before I ever even got my kid some Motrin.? Seriously.? NEVER LET FEMA HIRE ME.

Comment by waltzinexile

Oh my god. I always say nothing can be worse than spiders, but GIANT BLACK BUMBLEBEES prove me wrong because they can FLY! I hope Goat 1 is doing ok and is healed and happy by the time you all roadtrip to Columbus. Oh, one last thing, please don’t let him tell my girl this story, or we may never get her back outside again!

Comment by GirlyGolf

You know, FEMA hired one of my uncles. I don’t think that went particularly well for them. (FTR, this was in 2006.)

Um. Also, if you think I am clicking on that link? then you are mutha-uckin’ high.

Comment by Cynical Nymph

Die bee die. Really. Poor little Goat…

Comment by Marzie

Eek! Poor kid. Poor you. Notice I’m not offering my condolence to the killer bee family.

Comment by Allison

Apparently the horrible awful monster killer bees only travel in mated pairs.? So my husband made a widow out of a female carpenter bee yesterday.? I don’t know if they have any natural predators who might finish off the family for me, but just in case they don’t, I’m Googling for chemicals.? I have a feeling we may have started a war.? Well, THEY started it.? We’re going to finish it, though.

Comment by waltzinexile

Bluuurgh. We went swimming in a lake a few weeks ago and the Alias Father noticed a leech (a GIANT BLACK LEECH!) swimming around the Buddha’s ankles. So he scooped it out, while I helpfully said things like, ” Get it! Ew! Get it!”, and threw it out on the shore. Where it proceeded to crawl back towards us. So then he beat it with a stick and threw it further. And then it crawled back. So he set a giant rock on it. AND IT CRAWLED BACK. It was like a leech horror movie. The thing would not die.

So we left.

Comment by aliasmother

Is Goat #1 okay? Don’t bees die once they sting or is that a myth to make the stung feel better? I honestly can’t believe those photos.
I am sitting here with my mouth haning open. I think I’m going to go put a potato chip in it.

Comment by smalltownsmalltimes

Regular bees do die when they sting you, because if the stinger stays in your skin, it disembowels the bee as he flies away (it’s barbed on the part that is attached to the bee) (Note: I learned this from a Stephen King short story.? I have never bothered to verify it.) This was a male carpenter bee, though, with no stinger.? So it bit (pinched?) the heck out of him when it got tangled in his shirt.? And now my skin is crawling again.? Must stop talking about this. Probably I’ll go get a potato chip now.? Thx.

Comment by waltzinexile

I have a keen knack for freaking out 10 minutes after crisis has been averted. My standard response for any child yelling in pain is
1. Go to freezer 2. Pull out nearest large bag of vegetables 3. Put on childs arm/leg/neck -where ever the source of pain. 4. Grab more bags, tape to child over any other exposed part of body, by the fifth bag, they are so disctracted, whatever hurt, they have forgotten. 5. Freak out, clean up blood, and time for a drink, or two, or five- if there was a lot of blood!

Actually, while out at a Ren Faire, I gently slapped my middle one on the back in a “ha ha” moment, and a bee was in her sweatshirt. Um. It stung her as I killed it when I hit her. No veggies available. I looked at it, said it must have been a mosquito and put my chapstick all over the sting. She never knew the difference!

Comment by TracyB

Shut. UP. Chapstick?!?

Sent from my iPod

Comment by waltzinexile

Chapstick-regular blue label. Really. I still didn’t tell her she was stung. Maybe when she turns 20. Nah.

Comment by TracyB

I’m sorry, TracyB wins. She should give lessons on being a crisis-averting mom. Chapstick. Jesus.

Comment by aliasmother

Someone should totally name a band “Chapstick Jesus.”

Comment by waltzinexile

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