Prolix

Prolix

7 January 2010, 12:34 am
Filed under: Family, For Fun, Getting Old Sucks | Tags: Family, Kids, Marriage, Metablogging, Self-Indulgent

No, Beej, the IO didn’t devour me. Tried to, but I prevailed.  Pretty much like the holiday season, come to think of it.  Yet I live to tell, so here I am.

This being a new year and a new decade and the year I turn the “new thirty,” I feel like starting fresh.  Of course, I’m about a week late, but there’s that “better…than never” adage for a reason, right?  Anyway, fresh.  I’m going to take the patented Waltz grocerypalooza approach to fresh, and go through the fridges and toss out all the old stuff first.  So this post is pretty much going to be a bunch of tupperware containers full of unidentifiably old leftovers that, if you’re smart, you don’t look at too closely and OH DEAR GOD DON’T OPEN THEM JUST TOSS THEM IN THE GARBAGE CAN.  Okay, a few items won’t be green and fuzzy and stinky and might have been worth saving to make a huge pot of soup or their own post or something but I just confused myself with my own metaphor so maybe it’s time to get started.

• BEING Santa is way harder than waiting for him ever was.  However, this year, thanks to the BEST FREAKING SISTER-IN-LAW EVER, I got a helper: Ian.  Ian saved my sanity this year.  Who is Ian, you wonder?  Ian is our elf. People, I cannot recommend this enough. The genius who thought this up deserves as much business as I can throw her/his way (oh, who are we kidding, it HAD to be a Mom who came up with this.) If you have Santa believers in your house, hie thee to the website and order your own elf, pronto. I’ll be over here missing Ian (he had to return to the North Pole on Christmas Eve) and hoping the Easter Bunny has a helper who will keep my kids in bed for Lent.
• At some point last year, I read a post that annoyed the crap out of me (even more annoying? I can’t find it now.  Not that I would link to it, anyway, because bigoted dreck like that doesn’t deserve any traffic) and it prompted me to put a rather odd Google News search in my Reader feed, and now I’m fascinated with the search results that pop up.  I don’t mean fascinated in that glorious and wondrous way, like I am with Ian.  I mean TRAIN WRECK fascinated, people.  My point (yes I have one) is this: if you ever want to scare the crap out of yourself, add “murder-suicide” as a Google News search to your feed reader.
• I’ve been meaning to watch Glee to see if it lives up to all of the glowing reviews I’ve seen. Just as I sat down to write tonight, I realized it was on (synchronicity!)  I don’t understand any of the story arc, but the music is fanfuckingtastic.  Count me in.
• Dear TNT: Yes, you have many of my favorite shows, which gets you a lot of slack.  But for the LOVE, people!  Just because you offer at least 2 hours of David Boreanaz per day and a new season of Leverage (you really should be watching this show) starts next week does not mean you can toss basic grammar out the window when you write your taglines.  More movie, FEWER commercials.  Is that so hard?
• It recently became obvious to me that not only do I not call my big sister often enough, she’s apparently not reading this blog at ALL.  She can’t be, or I wouldn’t have received the following email from her last week: Puppies for good homes. they are 7 weeks old and eager to find a loving home to call their own. We have 4 females and 3 males. They are a mix breed German shorthaired pointer and small German Shepard. Will mature to 50 -60lbs. My response, of course, was a hearty “BWAHAHAHAHA!”  However, anyone who wants one of these cuties
  

  You know you want me

  should leave a comment and I’ll tell you how to reach my mutually neglectful (either that or oh-so-funny) big sister.

• In the final days of 2009, I guaranteed my dead-last placement for Mother of the Year.  Goat #1 had been telling me for 2 months that he was having trouble seeing the board in class (in my defense, the topic never came up unless he was trying to excuse poor behavior) so I finally made him an appointment with the eye doctor (after, um, finding one.  Having only lived here for 4 years now, I hadn’t gotten around to it yet, you see.)  They called today to tell me that his glasses (Rx: 20/-100) are ready.  Yep.  Mother of the Year, 2009.  So. Not. Me.
• However, after taking both goats (and a friend) to see The Squeakquel last weekend, I’m all alone in first place for 2010.  And my sweet baby girl now sings “Single Ladies” and wiggles her little behind.  I cannot even tell you how horrified Goat Daddy is.  In keeping with my new status as MoY 2010 Frontrunner, I cannot do not admit to being extremely amused.
• Dear Milton Bradley: You’ve done an excellent job updating the financial components of your insane and neverending “The Game of Life.”  Feel free to jettison the outdated gender role norms any day now.  21st century salaries combined with mid-20th century career and family norms?  Really?
• Got a Kindle 2 for Christmas.  Love it.  Will never give up brick-and-mortar er, paper-and-glue books completely, but LUH LUH LUH mah new toy.  Can’t sleep?  One-click download something new, and read until I’m tired.  I don’t know how to use all the bells and whistles yet, but I can’t wait to figure it out.  I’m even considering starting a new blog, a reading blog.  Probably ought to wait until I can manage to post on this one more than once a month, though.
• The fantastic and crazily expensive toaster that my aunt got us for a wedding present died two weeks ago.  I keep admiring the $90 Breville in my Crate & Barrel catalog, but I simply cannot bring myself to spend that much money on a countertop appliance that makes my whole wheat bread warm & crunchy and does nothing else.  Shouldn’t it at least be self-buttering for that kind of money?  Am I being ridiculous? Has toaster technology skyrocketed in the last 14 years while I was taking mine for granted?  Is it normal to pay that much for a box of electric coils to evenly brown bread?  Please leave toaster recommendations in the comments; I am having a horrible time deciding on a new one.  And contrarily, I am seriously craving some damn toast.
• Easily the most fascinating thing I’ve read in a long time (h/t Kottke.org)  Maybe Tyler D. was right, and I’m NOT a unique snowflake.  Maybe I’m an orchid!

I think that was the last tupperware container.  Not quite the zillions I promised (threatened?) a while ago, but I can breathe easier now (this metaphor really has a life of its own!)  Once I get the Christmas tree down (um, NOT a metaphor, sadly) the feng shui ’round here should be more conducive to posting.  That’s the hypothesis I’m running with for now, anyway.  That and the orchid thing.  Whatever keeps me going until the Easter Bunny’s elf shows up.

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