Waltz In Exile

7 May 2012, 1:49 pm
Filed under: 1/2 Marathon, Home/Ohio, Liveblogging, Running/Racing | Tags: ,

So. That race I was so busy preparing for that I didn’t have time to blog? Yeah, it’s over. Thank goodness.

Turns out –  I’m still slow, but not as slow as last year.* And I wasn’t completely broken when it was over, either. AND I was able to keep moving all day Saturday.  AND yesterday. And I even did my recovery run yesterday. Two sloooooow miles.  And I felt like crap the entire time, but I did them, so yea, me.

And now for what could have been a “live blog” of the event, if I had a smart phone and an app that would type while I talked:**

Saturday, May 5, 2012. 7:45 am.
Start Corral E: I cannot even begin to tell you how effing funny the start corral is. Not without pictures. So this will have to wait. Well, wait, one thing I have no pictures of but I shall reconstruct for you so you can picture it yourselves: the DJs have latched on to that stupidass “Jump Around” song from the 90s. And everyone in the crowd under 35 just looks confused and annoyed. And pretty much everyone in the corral (my corral, the slow corral) between 35 & 50…is bouncing around like a bunch of idiots at a 20 year high school reunion. And oh yes, I’m being judgey, but come ON people. Also, I am nowhere near as judgey as Jess, who is confounded by the number of runners who are wearing their race shirts AT the race. Ah, the snobbery of the elite runners.)
Mile 0.5: Hey, check out the rappers on the south side of the street, repeating over and over and over: “If you wanna know the chant, this is how it goes…O-H!” and then they stop, because everyone going past them is waiting a beat and yelling “I-O” while doing the arm motions at the same time, and I just LOVE THIS. Obviously, only in Columbus is this gonna happen.
Mile 1: Oh, look, we’re sloping downward, toward the river. This is sort of lovely. Breathe… breathe… oh damn, I forgot my Vicks. Well, I don’t actually want to smell the river too much anyway. I’ll live.
Mile 2: Hunh. About the uphill sorta thing we have going here. Oh, damn, I forgot my gum! What the hell, Mindee.
Mile 3: Oh thank goodness, water. This sloping must stop soon.
Mile 4: Holy crap are my shins starting to hurt. Oh, damn. I forgot to take my Advil before we started. Jeez, Mindee, first race?
Mile 5: What the hell was I thinking? And what is with the slope here? And WHY CAN I NOT GET ANY CLOSER TO THAT EFFING FOOTBALL STADIUM THAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT FOR 1/5 MILES?!?!
Mile 5.25: Oh, look, the Schottenstein Center is on lockdown for the Obama Rally – there are already a lot of people there…Oh. I see. It’s the Young Republicans, holding Romney signs. Well, whatever.
Mile 5.26: People with Romney 2012 signs are trying to high-five me. I shall stare at my feet and pretend I don’t see them. I’m too thirsty to be nice about not wanting to high five them.
Mile 5.5: Oh, yea, water again. Walk, sip, walk, sip, oh, look OSU students cheering us on! Oh, look, they have sombreros! That’s right, it’s Cinco de Mayo. Aw, now I’m nostalgic for those OSU days when being drunk at 9:30 in the morning was its own reward. Wait, what? what is that drunk sophomore saying to me? Did he just say “Hey, Lady, you’re WALKING” as I sip my water? HEY BUDDY – YOU’RE WATCHING. I WIN.
Mile 6: Oh thank goodness – a bathroom stop without a ginormous line. Yea! Well, hmmmm. Apparently I only FEEL LIKE I have to pee. What’s up with that.
Mile 7: Holy shit my eyes MY EYES my eyes ohmygoddess I have sweat in my eyes. TRAPPED UNDER MY CONTACT LENSES.
Mile 8: Oh, yea, water! Walk, sip, walk, sip, walk, sip. And….begin again. Oh, look, there’s Lisa!
Mile 9: Oh for fuck’s sake how can this be taking this long.
Mile 10: Well, all we have left is a 5k. I can do a 5k. Maybe if I just stop and lie down for a minute, though.
Mile 10.5 (as horrible and – bonus! – loud! live band is screeching some song so that I cannot even hear my own music through my earphones):  the lead singer keeps yelling “Mile 10, you guys, mile 10! Almost there! 10 miles!” and because she is so loud, you can hear her for a good 1/2 mile, and at this point I am so tired and so bitter that I am giving thought to taking the microphone away from her and beating her to death with it and not just because she’s loud and I’m bitter, but MILE TEN WAS BACK THERE, BITCH, WE ARE DONE WITH ITPLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP. Entertaining: ur doin it rong.
Mile 11: See, I told you so, bitch. And oh, look, cobblestone streets in historic German Village how QUAINT AND ALSO ANKLEBREAKY WTF.
Mile 11.4: Does the back of that lady’s shirt say “Baby’s 1st Half, Pass with Care”? Does it REALLY? Oh, my, god. There’s a pregnant lady beating me. That’s insane. How slow AM I? Well I need to put a stop to this shit. OHFORTHELOVESHEISN’TJUSTPREGNANTSHE’SLIKENINEMONTHSPREGNANTIBETTERBEPASSINGHER.
Mile 11.9: Approaching the corner of Deshler Ave & High Street, where we will make our final turn: the guy on the corner is saying “Mile 12 is RIGHT THERE” as he points around the corner. I cannot see the marker, but I can see him for a good 1/10 of a mile, if not longer, and it is SO encouraging and ohmygoddess he wasn’t lying I turn the corner and BOOM there is the mile 12 marker. 1.1 miles to go.
Mile 12: Only 1.1 miles to go! This is awesome. I can do this. Wait. What? Zeus and Thor – the road. slopes. up. for the next mile. I hate everybody. EVERYBODY. No I don’t want any water get away from me. What the hell, kid with hose? Don’t get me wet or I will wrap that hose around you until you cannot breathe. Oh for the love what is with all these people who are in my way? What is that? Stupid slope. Stupid people. I am never going to be able to keep going another 13 minutes uphill. Oh, wait – if I go faster, it won’t take me 13 minutes. I shall do that. Speed up, legs. Um…legs? Oh motherfuck, my legs are no longer connected to my brain. I think they’re mad I didn’t take them up on that nap at mile 10. What the hell. Okay, just look down. Down is good. Head down, power through, head down, power through. Head down, power through.
Mile 13.1: Oh my Lord Byron was that the finish strip? Oh, look, baby pools full of ice and bottled water. What do you mean get out of the pool? Is this not my ice bath? Fine. Be that way.


*3:08:32, in case you’re wondering. Yes, I know, slow. But I still got the medal*** so there.

**Assuming I could teach my app to ignore all of the panting and gasping for breath, of course.

***Pics to follow later – the medals are VERY cool, and the thing from the start corral that had me in TEARS from laughing will also make an appearance.

3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Your thought process on mile 12? That’s me on mile.1-.5.

Comment by Cherie

Oh, Cherie. The “head down, power through” mantra is like a low hum soundtrack to the first three miles. I almost don’t notice it anymore, actually.
Sometimes, though, it’s louder and more annoying, like that blue fish from Nemo.

Comment by waltzinexile

[…] Remember I said I had pictures that would help explain the start corral hilarity? […]

Pingback by Hebetude (Wordless Wednesday)* « Waltz In Exile

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